Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (2024)

A mom refusing to attend her daughter's wedding because her stepdaughter was not invited has received a storm of criticism on Reddit.

The post was shared two days ago on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA) subforum by a user whose account has been deleted.

The poster said she remarried when her biological daughter was 13 and her husband has a daughter who is two years younger. "Since the beginning, the girls did not get along. At first bio [biological] daughter was the one instigating, but eventually in their teens years, the 'hate' became mutual," the poster said.

Her daughter is getting married next year and having a "fairly large wedding." According to the poster, the bride-to-be said her stepsister was not invited to the wedding as "she's not family."

The poster told her daughter "by proxy, I'm also not family and so if it's a family only wedding, then there is no point in me attending."

Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (1)

Has the mother gone too far in the latest case? Or is her daughter being unreasonable?

Certified life coach Karen C.L. Anderson, who is an expert on difficult mother-adult daughter relationships, told Newsweek: "I suspect there's a lot of unresolved emotional trauma in this family from the divorce and subsequent marriages that is playing out."

The struggles among the stepfamily relations in the latest Reddit post are not surprising.

According to the American Psychological Association, "Under the best conditions, it may take two to four years for a new stepfamily to adjust to living together" and "the most difficult aspect of stepfamily life is parenting."

The complexities around mother-daughter relationships add another layer to the mix, especially because the bond between mothers and daughters is the strongest of all parent-child relations, according to a January 2016 study, published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

The study showed "positive associations of regional gray matter volume in the corticolimbic circuit [of the brain]...between biological mothers and daughters."

Corticolimbic circuitry is "known to be highly relevant in a wide range of processes, including mood regulation and depression," the study explained.

"This association was significantly greater than mother–son, father–daughter, and father–son associations," the study said.

'She's Not Family'

The mom in the latest Reddit post said her daughter and stepdaughter are now in their mid-20s and "their relationship has not gotten any better."

When the poster asked the bride-to-be why the stepdaughter was not invited, "her reasoning was that she wants an intimate wedding."

The poster said: "This would normally be a reasonable response, except for the fact that even friends that she hadn't seen since elementary school are invited but her step sister is not."

After being pressed by her mother, the bride-to-be revealed that her stepsister isn't invited because "she's not family," according to the poster.

The poster then said: "If [her] stepsister is not family, then neither is stepdad and her half siblings and by proxy I'm also not family and so if it's a family only wedding then there is no point in me attending."

According to the poster, the daughter got "upset and started screaming" and "told her aunts and grandparents and everyone is saying that I'm an a****** for refusing to attend her wedding."

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'Rupture Is Inevitable'

Anderson, who is a master certified coach and the author of several books about mother-daughter relationships, said: "Rupture is inevitable in human relationships and repair is [a] skill most of us never learned."

She said the best way for this mother to handle this situation is to first "examine what was triggered in her when her daughter made this request—what did she make this scenario mean about her?"

The mom should then "tend to herself kindly for having reacted that way."

Once she is feeling "clean and clear about that and is no longer feeling defensive," she should "genuinely apologize to her daughter" without any expectation that her daughter will change her mind, Anderson advised.

"This could go a long way towards repairing the relationship if she is willing to be vulnerable rather than defensive," the life coach said.

'Mom Is Just Exerting Control'

Several Redditors criticized the mom in the latest post and sided with her daughter.

In a comment that got over 26,000 upvotes, user Happy_Train9408 wrote: "YTA [you're the a******]. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?...it's well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by). Why do you think it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum?..."

Rumpelteazer45 noted: "SD [stepdaughter] probably doesn't want to go to the wedding either. Mom is just exerting control..."

PravinI123 agreed, stating "...maybe [you're] doing your daughter a favor by not attending her wedding. She doesn't need someone who can't put her first on one of her most important days. YTA."

BlitheCheese said: "Yes, absolutely. This 'mother' is one of the most selfish, unaware, cruel parents I have ever seen on Reddit. What kind of mother skips her own daughter's wedding in defense of and in alliance with an unrelated person who hates her daughter...?"

Aussiealterego added: "YTA. Even on her wedding day, you are not putting your [biological] daughter first..."

The original poster of this Reddit post could not be reached for comment.

Do you have a family-related dilemma to share? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

Uncommon Knowledge

Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.

Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.

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Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (2024)

FAQs

How much should parents pay for a daughter's wedding? ›

While it was once customary for the bride's family to pick up the wedding tab, times have certainly changed. These days, parents, on average, cover 52 percent of the budget while couples take on the remaining 48 percent, according to a recent report from The Knot.

Am I obligated to pay for my daughter's wedding? ›

Traditionally, parents pay for children's weddings. Although the bride's side will cater for most expenses, this is not mandatory. Again, there's no set age at which parents should stop paying for their children's weddings. In our opinion, parents should chip in what they feel comfortable, no matter the age.

Can I pay for my daughter's wedding? ›

Paying for your child's wedding is a big commitment, so consider the state of your own finances first. If you want to pay for a child's wedding, options include pulling from your savings or using a personal loan, home equity loan or credit card.

Should parents help with a wedding? ›

A: While it was traditionally expected for parents to pay for weddings, societal norms have evolved, and financial responsibility is often shared among the couple and their families. The expectations vary based on cultural backgrounds, family dynamics, financial independence, and personal preferences.

How much to give a daughter for a wedding gift? ›

Bottom line: There's no hard-and-fast rule on how much cash to give as a wedding gift. Wedding experts do, however, advise starting at $100. From there, you may want to adjust up to $500 based on factors such as your relationship with the couple, your budget and the cost of your attendance at the wedding.

How much money should the groom's parents give for wedding? ›

It used to be that the role of the bridegroom's parents was restricted to hosting the rehearsal dinner and leading him down the aisle, but that is no longer the case. In a recent poll by wedding enthusiasts, the Groom's parents cover up to 24% of the wedding costs.

Does paying for my daughter's wedding count as a gift? ›

Bottom Line. Most people can avoid having to pay federal gift tax when contributing $30,000 to a child's wedding. This is because of the generous lifetime exclusion amount gifts. However, you'll still need to properly report gifts over the annual exclusion amount on your tax return.

Who pays for what at a daughter's wedding? ›

If you are following the rules of tradition, the bride's family is expected to bear the brunt of the expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaids' gifts, the wedding planner or coordinator, the invitations, the flowers, the reception, photography, the groom's wedding ring, music, any pre-wedding day meals for the ...

How much should the bride's family pay for a wedding? ›

Some common resolutions today are for the couple to pay for everything; for the bride's family to pay for half and the groom's family for half; or, for the couple to pay one third and each side of the family fund another third.

Do parents give their daughter a wedding gift? ›

While not required, it's customary for the bride's parents to give a wedding gift.

Can a mother give her daughter away at her wedding? ›

Either parent, a brother, a stepfather, an uncle, a grandparent, or close friend could give the bride away on the wedding day—ultimately, it's up to you and your partner to decide who should take on this job.

Why does the daughters parents pay for the wedding? ›

"The notion of the bride's family paying for the wedding evolved from the tradition of a dowry, where the bride's family transferred property or money to the husband or husband's family upon marriage," says Cynthia Meyer, a certified financial planner at Real Life Planning in the greater New York area.

How much do most parents pay for a wedding? ›

According to The Knot Real Weddings Study, couples and their families divided up wedding expenses equally. Newlyweds paid for roughly 48% of their wedding costs, and their parents typically paid the remainder of the bill (52%).

At what age do parents stop paying for weddings? ›

So based on this data, it seems like once couples hit their late 30s or early 40s, parents pay for a smaller portion of the wedding, or don't contribute at all. In short, there is no age limit or exact etiquette for when parents do not pay for their children's wedding costs, says Tonya Hoopes, owner of Hoopes Events.

How much should I pay for my daughter's wedding? ›

Whether parents plan on paying for a child's wedding entirely, or help financially, the cost of a wedding celebration can add up. According to The Knot Real Weddings Study, the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. in 2022 was $30,000.

Do the bride's parents usually pay for the wedding? ›

Key Takeaways. Traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding, but that custom is rapidly changing. Couples are increasingly choosing to handle at least half of the wedding expenses on their own. Early planning and a written budget can help avoid miscommunication when deciding who pays for what.

What are the parents responsibilities for the daughter's wedding? ›

Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the wedding ceremony and reception which is why they take on the role of host/hostess. This responsibility includes determining the final guest count, making guests feel welcomed and seeing that everything goes smoothly. Oversee the closing of the reception.

References

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