Regulus doesn’t know what he expects when James and Sirius tell him he has exactly three options regarding Christmas. The first one, staying at Hogwarts and celebrating all by himself. Spend his holidays at home, with his parents. Or the third and in his opinion the worst one, spend it with Sirius and his annoying friend group in a ski resort on some mountain he has never even heard of before.
Skiing is such a rich kid activity, he doesn’t say.
“Why again would I choose to torture myself for two weeks straight?”
Sirius, who’s tried to get closer to him over the entire past year, looks at him suspiciously. Ever since Regulus has moved out from home, Sirius has been unhealthily attached to him like some mother hen trying to keep him together.
Regulus is fine, really. He’s been disowned and dead named for years, but yeah, he’s fine.
“Because you love me and you want to spend Christmas and New Years with me instead of sulking alone in your dorm room.” Sirius argues. “Plus, we’ve never been skiing and James is an excellent teacher.”
Regulus’ eyes snap up to James beside him, who’s grinning like the sun shines right out of his ass, it annoys him to hell and back.
“That’s not a good argument, he’d let me tumble down the mountain, willingly.” Regulus hisses.
It’s not exactly that Regulus hates James — but most of the time, they don’t get along really well. Or rather, James tries to get along and Regulus hates everything about his entire being and further. Ever since he moved out, Effie and Monty have been nothing but lovely to him but with James? Everything feels forced and fake. He’s only Sirius’ little brother after all and that shows.
And his ego in the size of every single state of the US combined makes it even worse. Objectively, he knows he has many reasons for that size of an ego.
”That’s not true, Reggie.” James complains in a whiny tone.
Hazel eyes meet his carefully — Regulus sends him a glare instead.
“Stop calling me that, you’re not my brother.” Regulus tells him.
“Oh believe me, I know that much.” James lifts one eyebrow, watching him with a smile curling around his lips but Regulus doesn’t quite get why he has any reason to smile. Which brings him only to one other point not to like James Potter — Regulus never gets what he means.
Not that Regulus is stupid, he’s not. But he and his friends have a lot of inside jokes which he doesn’t get. They have nicknames and whenever James says anything borderline nice, Regulus thinks it’s not. And just like the smile playing around his lips right now, he’s toying with him and anyone else in this school.
”Prongs.” Sirius warns.
Regulus blinks confused, he doesn’t get it, again. Being left out is such an odd feeling or perhaps social cues aren’t really his thing.
”Who else is coming?”
”Me and James, obviously. Remus, Lily and Marlene.” Regulus sighs. “Stop making that face, you don’t have to talk to any of them. Just be there.”
“Can I bring Evan?”
James and Sirius give each other a quick glance.
“Not Crouch?” It’s Sirius who asks.
It burns deep in his chest. Oh, they know. Of course they know; Sirius is a gossip and everyone else and their mum’s have noticed how Regulus and Barty don’t hang out that much anymore. Everyone has noticed they don’t sit beside each other anymore in the Great Hall. It’s obvious.
Three weeks and yet it still stings. Perhaps that’s what’s making him so miserable.
”He has to be home for the holidays.” Regulus bites, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
“Sure, we can fit two more people. A few of us have to share a room then.” James finally decides.
“Guess I have no other choice.” Smiling sheepishly. It’s not like he hates spending time with his brother anyway but since James’ parents went back to Spain over the holidays there’s no point hanging around his house.
The Christmas spirit can rot somewhere down in hell this year. He’s more of a Halloween kind of guy anyway. Regulus can basically see how James’ face lights up, those hazel eyes getting the glimmer beneath them that’s so utterly charming, he hates everything about him.
“Yes!! You won’t regret it.”
James gets them there by apparation. Somewhere in the mountains of Switzerland stands one large cabin with the most stunning view Regulus has ever witnessed in his entire life. It snows when they arrive, big snowflakes land one by one in his curly hair and he can’t help but look up to the grey sky. Maybe he hasn’t made a mistake by coming here. Perhaps he can even enjoy a book by the fire and escape all those skiing escapades.
It takes Lily and Marlene exactly two minutes to cast a spell on the entire house, covering it with glittery Christmas lights.
“Merry Christmas to us!!” Marlene laughs as she carries her luggage inside and Regulus finally decides to get going as well before slowly freezing to death.
“It’s not Christmas yet.” Regulus argues. It’s a day before Christmas which only means he still has about two weeks left with Sirius’ friends around.
“Yeah okay, who asked you, Mr. Grinch.” Marlene tells him.
Regulus raises an eyebrow, “Who the fuck is the Grinch?”
He watches exactly as it happens, Marlene’s eyes go wide, her mouth opens a little bit, gasping. How the hell is he supposed to know? That’s what he hates about groups — that’s why he only hangs out with the same three people. They know him and he doesn’t have to be embarrassed if he doesn’t know anything thanks to his shitty parents. Shame crawls up his spine.
”Merlin, how does your brother not know the Grinch, Sirius??” She exclaims and Sirius laughs softly, taking Remus’ hand.
”It’s a muggle movie.” He states.
”So? I know it.”
”We’ve been raised in an incestrous, pureblood family?” Sirius offers then and Regulus can’t help but snort. Because unfortunately, he is correct. They barely got a brink of the newspaper and mostly were fed by lies of their parents. He’s heard of the movies for the first time when Barty asked him out over a year ago and they decided to do something so mundane in a little town next to his own.
Them being unable to enjoy quite normal things even went further down the drain when Regulus came out as trans in third year. He went to see a healer shortly after that to get a various amount of supplies. Their parents couldn’t do anything about it, really. They had to endure how their youngest became another ‘disappointment’. And that quite literally is why he hasn’t the quietest clue about movies. There have been far other things on his mind.
James gives him a look and their eyes meet for one second. Heat rises to his cheeks. His cheeks are splashed with red from the cold — just the cold, right?
”Fair enough. James, can we watch The Grinch tonight?” Marlene then skips, yes skips, through the snow to reach James in front of them, giggling.
”You’re your own person, Marls.” He says, unlocking the front door and they all swarm inside like moths to a flame. It’s not really warm inside but Remus does a quick job getting the fireplace running while James goes to inspect the bedrooms. Apparently it’s been a while since he was here.
She pouts.
“We could watch it as a group.” Lily interrupts then.
Regulus visibly cringes and everyone around them notices immediately. It’s more than obvious that Evan and Regulus do not hang around them often — despite being a Slytherin and all that, they’re just— exhausting? James on top of it all and he lives with the guy at every holiday.
“Yeah not me.” Evan says then.
“Me neither.” Remus agrees.
“You’re all so boring.” Marlene sighs dramatically. She’s almost as dramatic as her brother.
As far as Regulus knows, they even used to date for a while. It apparently helped Sirius realizing he’s bisexual but whatever. Not important. Before anyone can even say anything in return, James comes back from upstairs.
“Okay so I might have miscalculated.” James starts once he’s counted all the bedrooms.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, everyone has to share a room. Except for one person.”
“Sucks to be you guys.” Regulus snorts.
”No one said it’s going to be you.” James argues.
“We should draw names to keep it interesting.” Evan jokes and Regulus shoots him a glare that basically throws daggers.
“I mean it sounds like fun.” Lily agrees.
For a second, Regulus thinks, she’s saying that because of James. They had this thing going on in third and fourth year but it ended as fast as it came. From what he’s heard it was more platonic than anything else. He tosses the thought, quickly realizing she’s saying it because of Marlene.
“It sounds like hell. You’re only saying that because you can room with Marlene.” Regulus finally states, clearly annoyed that Evan even suggested that kind of thing.
”Awww Regulus, you can room with me if you want.” Marlene says, throwing one arm around his shoulder and he almost flinches at the movement.
”No fucking way.” He grumbles and slots down on one of the sofas.
“Wow, Regulus really is the embodiment of the Grinch. Come on, where’s your Christmas spirit?”
“Fuck off.”
“Name drawing it is.” Sirius announces.
They actually discuss it for a second after Marlene refuses to share a room with stinky old Sirius, her words not Regulus’, they decide to put the guys' names in a bowl.
It happens pretty quickly, Sirius draws Remus name, obviously. Actually Evan draws Remus’ name but Sirius snatches the name card out of his hand so quickly, they all start laughing.
Not that it is surprising, but James ends up with Regulus. He sends him a funny look before leaning against Sirius laughing, they whisper something quite undetectable. This is going to be hell, Regulus just knows it. This is what kills him. Evan, lucky for him, gets the single room.
“You know I’ll be spending most of the time in your room, right?”
”Oh come on, you get to room with Potter! At least catch a sight of his—“
”Sometimes I can’t believe you’re asexual.”
“Yeah, me either.”
The first thing Regulus does is bring his luggage upstairs. He’s blocking the staircase for far too long since he’s not tall but his luggage is enormous for one small man. Stubborn as he is, he refuses to accept any help. And things only get worse,
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” he says, staring at one queen-sized bed in the middle of the room. It’s a large room with something that turns out to be a private bathroom.
“I mean…” James touches the back of his neck awkwardly, “It’s my room, I’m not gonna give it to someone else.”
The sheets have a nice flowery embroidery on them and despite it not being used that much, the entire room smells like James. It annoys him to hell and back to share a room with him, but it could be worse. Like sharing a room with his brother. They’d be dead within one night. Maybe ignoring James most of the time will help his own peace of mind.
In merely ten minutes of sharing the same space with James Potter he finds out that ignoring is not an option. Because whatever Regulus does, he keeps babbling about it.
“Do you ever shut up?” Regulus hisses, putting his clothes in the nearest drawer.
“Not really, I just say whatever comes to my mind.” James answers, the grin in his voice obvious. Still standing in the doorway as if he has forgotten how to move. “There are always other things to occupy my mouth.”
Regulus freezes, not turning around, “Three seconds. You have three seconds to get out of here, Potter.”
He does.
James comes back to their room when Regulus is already coddled in bed with a book. That’s all he’s been doing the entire day because unlike James, Regulus has never been good with people. A few he has selected as close friends like Evan and his sister Pandora and sometimes even Rodulphus. But ever since he grew close with his cousin, not so much anymore. Barty used to be up close on this list as well but even those things change rapidly.
“Oh, you’re reading.” Mr. Obvious states. His cheeks are flushed red. “Sirius thought you might have fallen asleep. We’ve been playing games downstairs. You should’ve joined.”
“Evan?”
“Him too, yeah.” James tells him and their eyes meet when Regulus finally decides to look up from his book. “He gets on well with Marlene. Chaotic duo.”
Evan has always been like fuel poured into a fire. He loved watching things burn, pick them apart to make anything interesting. An astonishing wizard as well.
“Is he your—“
Regulus stops him right there, “Oh, Merlin no.”
The book in his lap falls shut as he sits upright to face James. He makes no effort going to the bathroom to change. Regulus watches his back muscles flex when he pulls the shirt above his head.
“We’re just friends. He’s been there for me when—“
Before saying anything wrong, he stops himself. It’s really none of his business. James peers over his shoulder almost as if to make sure he’s watching.
“When you and Crouch broke up?”
A blush creeps up on the back of his neck. He avoids his gaze. Ashamed? Maybe.
“Yeah.”
For more than five minutes, James disappears into the bathroom. Ignoring the fact of this — he’s never talked to James about it. He could be homophobic for all he cares. But then he wouldn’t be making jokes about occupying his mouth otherwise. Right? Hell, he doesn’t even think he has ever officially told Sirius that Barty is his boyfriend. Or was. One year of adjusting himself to make it work.
“So why did you break up with him?” James sits down in the bed and it dips down with his weight. As if his smell wasn’t bad enough already. “Or did he break up with you?”
“It was mutual and it really is none of your business.”
Dramatic as he is, he flops down beside him, whining, “Come on, Reg. Loosen up a little. Let me get to know you.”
His eyes narrow at James. Pretending like Regulus is ever so guarded when James always wears a mask of being the lovely, constantly happy James. A people-pleasing friend from next door. That’s what describes him best. His eyes suggest tiredness from being with people all day. Sometimes he’d go as far as saying James is lonely. He’d never admit it though.
“We’re not doing that, Potter.” Regulus says as he tries to find the right passage in his book again.
“Why do you refuse to bond with me?” His voice is so soft before it turns sour. “I try so hard to be nice. For fuck’s sake you even live with me and yet all I get is a cold shoulder.”
“You can’t accept when someone doesn’t like you.” Regulus shrugs, turning a page in his book.
The rise of James’ voice hangs heavily between them. They sit there for a second, not moving and maybe… sulking? As much as James wants the best for everyone else he can also be incredibly stubborn. Regulus has witnessed it many times with Monty and Effie.
“We could trade.” James offers, still not letting it go. “I tell you something about me and you tell me something about yourself.”
“Why are you so persistent about knowing me?” Regulus presses. “Maybe there is nothing more to me than me being rude.”
“I don’t believe that. I saw you with Crouch.” And that is a wild concept to Regulus. Why would he watch him for anything other than being Sirius’ little brother?
“I don’t want to talk about Barty.” He says with a strained voice.
“Then talk about yourself. Can I start?” Regulus lets him. He puts his book away for good, waiting for James to humour him. “Christmas makes me more stressed than I care to admit. Especially when my mum isn’t here.”
Regulus snorts, “ever the mommy’s boy.”
It’s awkward, sitting in the same bed as James, which he somehow has only realized now. But now, he’s painfully aware of it. Of James in his grey sweatpants and tight shirt.
“Your turn, Reg.” It’s a gentle whisper.
“I’m allergic to peanuts and my throat burns when I even get near them.”
See? Nothing too crazy. A fact about himself, nothing more than that. It’s not personal. Pandora would be proud of even having this conversation.
“How did you find out about the allergy?” James seems earnest, probably just to keep the conversation going.
“Almost choked to death at a family dinner. If it would have been one year later they probably would have let me.” Regulus laughs about it. It’s not funny. He doesn’t face James while saying it, because it’s a remark about his family and their revolting beliefs on life. For a second he’s not even sure if James understands. Because there it is — a piece of himself.
“I’m sorry.” James brings out and he feels those hazel eyes on him. “I don’t think my parents care. They are pretty open about that kind of thing.”
Which is rare, considering it’s 1979 and there is not a chance to be openly gay without being pathetically judged. And being trans? A crime to society.
“Do they know?” Regulus asks quietly.
“Not sure. I’ve told them about you before. But I’ve never explicitly said so.”
He nods silently. Not sure if he should be thankful for that or not. James’ parents have never treated him any differently because of it. And maybe deep down, he wished his parents were the same.
“Do you mind?”
James looks at him again, “No.”
What Regulus hasn’t calculated is that he has to spend every single morning with a half-dressed James Potter, blasting Christmas music in the kitchen. On Christmas day they decide on three different tasks. Sirius and Marlene get to decorate the house, set the tree up and have to make a list of which movies they’re gonna watch for the cozy fest. A great job, really.
Remus and James are in charge of the food, which leaves Lily, Evan and Regulus for the baked goods. Regulus. And baking.
Everyone agrees with James cooking dinner, since he’s apparently “excellent” at it. In one year living with him, he hasn’t tasted one dish he made completely by himself. Effie and Monty are good at it, so he must be too? But Regulus and baking? It makes no sense. Unfortunately, it also means they have to share the kitchen. Which makes him miserable to no point. Isn’t it already enough that he has to share a room with the guy?
So, chaos unfolds naturally.
It all starts with the recipes. Lily and Evan go through a folder of Christmas biscuits while Regulus couldn’t even care less.
“Are you also doing gingerbread men?” It’s Sirius standing in the doorway, judging them before they have started. “Can you do gingerbread men? Small ones?”
“Why? Want me to bake yourself a boyfriend?” Regulus asks, mainly joking, but his voice comes out too pressing.
“Haha, very funny, I already have a boyfriend, I don’t need a gingerbread one.”
Regulus smirks, “See? No gingerbread men.”
James chuckles from the other side of the room and that crawls right up his spine. Why? He doesn’t know.
“We could just make simple Christmas cookies?” Evan offers then.
“Sounds a bit boring.” Lily argues.
“Not when we put enough sprinkles on them.” He doesn’t mean it. Regulus gets up to get his wand out to start on the dough, mixing things together and when Lily turns around, she almost yells at him as much as she almost snatches the wand out of his hand.
“What the hell are you doing, Black?” The chatter from across the room goes awfully quiet as if they already knew what was coming. Maybe they did. Regulus raises an eyebrow at Lily, then at Evan. “Use your hands. No wands in this kitchen.”
“My hands?” He blinks, irritated.
“Oh and what good hands they are–” James snickers and so does Remus. He sends them both a death glare for even remotely laughing at Regulus being scolded.
Lily grew up in a muggle home, but digging his fingers into wet and sticky dough is quite frankly disgusting as hell.
“You do it, Evan.” Regulus shoves the bowl across the table.
“Me?”
“Yes, you. I’m not touching that shit.” He says. “I’ll decorate.”
“Afraid of getting your hands dirty, Reg?” It’s James again. The mere sound makes him roll his eyes. He’s grinning wildly over his shoulder before Remus nudges him and says something far too quiet.
“Do your own chore, Potter.”
It takes them at least another half an hour of arguing before they finally decide on three different recipes. All with Lily’s approval and James’ sarcastic comments. Remus, at least, keeps his comments neutral. Like Switzerland. Yeah.
“You’re doing it wrong, Evan–” Lily apparently is on a roll roasting them. Two boys, born and raised by families who never bothered to make Christmas cookies before. Which, now that he thinks of it, is more than just sad.
“Wrong? What do you mean? I’m kneading the dough.” Evan scoffs.
“Yeah, the wrong way.”
She ends up doing it herself. They work like this for a while. Evan does the dough, Lily spreads them and Regulus decorates. That’s something he is good at, being creative and all. One small little man even gets hair and clothes. It’s fun – the faint humming of Christmas music, the smell of sweets and one delicious dinner. Nice. He has to try real hard to bite back a smile.
James nudges him from the side, “Move over, love, I need the oven.”
His cheeks are slightly flushed red – probably from the heat in the kitchen and there’s a bit of sauce in the corner of his mouth. The way his eyes trail to his lips sends all the heat from the room to his ears.
“The oven is occupied?” It’s quiet and comes out more as a question, without any bite, because James is invading his personal space and Regulus loves his personal space. He smells more like Christmas cookies than the Christmas cookies themselves.
“Well, if you want to eat tonight–” He starts, but Remus interrupts him.
“It’s okay, we’ll use it once you guys are done.”
And perhaps that’s when all hell breaks loose.
“Oi, Potter.”
James turns around to face Evan and the exact second he does, he splashes a whole hand of flour into his face. For a second, he’s unsure if James will laugh or yell. His glasses are entirely smudged.
“Oh, Rosier, this means war.”
And Regulus happens to be the battlefield.
Regulus and Lily hide behind a kitchen counter like spies on a secret mission, only jumping up to cover James in an entire flour package. It’s a cute look on him. Lily high-fives him along the way. Remus blows flour over to Evan, laughing like a little kid and as their unnecessary scheme escalates, he can’t help but think: this is nice. I haven’t laughed like this in a while: His stomach hurts.
The Christmas fest is something entirely different with friends than it is with family. There’s indecent movies, lots of laughter — sweets until their stomach hurts. And after a bit of alcohol there’s also dancing and more laughing. Regulus doesn’t know how exactly it happens but he ends up giggling on the floor about one of James’ jokes.
It’s nice. And he’s happy — a feeling settling Regulus’ ribcage trying to crawl outside. They also end up watching the Grinch, because Marlene was in charge of movies. As it turns out, Regulus rather loves the movie.
They do the presents in secret since Regulus has only one for Evan and Sirius and not the rest of them. He receives quite a few ones though.
When he falls asleep that night, it’s fast — quite drunk and with a smile on his face.
When Regulus wakes up on day four, he’s the first to wake. He turns around on his pillow, facing a completely boneless James. His face looks so peaceful asleep it’s almost impossible to believe how much of a menace he is when awake.
As if on cue, his eyebrows scrunch together — a deep sound leaves his mouth. Regulus tenses up immediately.
At first he gave him the benefit of the doubt, possibly dreaming something bad. That’s why he frowns in his sleep. But when the next thing comes suspiciously close to a moan, his entire body heats up. Regulus can feel the sound deep inside his bones.
He witnesses how James’ eyebrows press together, there’s sweat pearling on his forehead and a slight shiver goes through him. For barely a moment Regulus wonders what he’s dreaming about. What could go on in James’ head that has him riled up like this after only a few days?
James looks different like this — vulnerable. In his dream world. Regulus has never noticed how many freckles adorned his slightly crooked nose. Or how long his lashes are.
Objectively speaking, James is a very attractive man. He has skin so shiny, Regulus wants to reach out and touch it. His hazel eyes make him charming, trustworthy, very attractive. Like you could get lost in it.
“Reg—“ it’s an echo in his ears.
His limbs freeze immediately. The worst part of it all? The tingle it sends down his spine and sets in a warm place right above his crotch. What the hell is he dreaming about?
It’s when James lets out a full-on, no restraint, whine that Regulus decides it’s time to get up and take a quick detour to the bathroom. When he comes back, James stirs in his sleep,
“Reg?” He slurs, blinking slowly awake. “R-Reg?”
For a full minute Regulus stands there, staring, not speaking. All breath stuck in his throat. How is this fair? Regulus is stuck with James Potter, who sounds this hot right after waking up. Why is he hated so much?
“Nice dream?” Regulus asks, raising one eyebrow. He doesn’t even dare to face him completely.
“I-Yeah. Did I speak while sleeping?”
Regulus turns around, his face heating up from the thought of it.
“Mhm.”
“Oh.”
“Reg-“
“Nope, not doing that.”
He flees the room.
It’s inevitable, really. Their cabin is near a skiing resort and as much as he admires the snow, Regulus is terribly scared of heights. He’s scared of falling right off the mountain, turning into one big ass snowball and dying somewhere in the woods. Yeah, not happening.
With skis? Basically the same thing, except that he can’t even stop when he turns into a snowball and dies because of frostbite.
How he ends up at the very top, where all the kids learn to ski? He has no idea. Let’s just say, James Potter can be quite persuasive when he wants to be. James promised to make sure Regulus won’t fall off and die. He even promised, if he did, he’d go right with him. Regulus doubts that, but okay.
While the only other person who skis is Marlene – Regulus still has to stand there, charming the ski equipment smaller because everything James owns is too big on him, which is no wonder since James is almost one head taller than Regulus and much broader as well. Sirius, Evan, Remus and Lily got into town, almost fleeing from the subject of skiing. Although Sirius did claim before how good of a teacher James is. Liar. Traitor.
His knees buckle – not from the sight of James of course, but the snowy mountains in front of him and his possible death sentence. Under his gear, James’ hazel eyes look at him, tentative for every movement so he won’t go off on his own. The goggles hang lazily above his head, squishing dark brown curls.
“James, I don’t like this.” he says, barely holding onto his arm.
There are children on skis with their parents, laughing, having the time of their lives, while Regulus just isn’t. James stares at him, wide-eyed.
“Say that again?”
Regulus blinks confused. That’s all James has been doing lately, confusing him.
“Say what again?”
He shoves his goggles upwards, already annoyed by the pressing feeling on his face. Plus, James is only wearing them halfway anyway. It’s an odd look on him, without his usual gold-rimmed glasses.
“You called me James. Call me James again.”
Regulus raises one eyebrow.
“That’s what does it for you?”
James’ smile falters for a second, he licks his lips and Regulus tracks the motion unintentionally. There’s a warm puff of his breath in the cold, but it is simply gone a second after.
“Please, say it again. Call me James.”
And for a second, Regulus considers doing it, just to get a reaction out of him. His cheeks heat, their eyes lock and then he can’t look away anymore.
“James.” The word leaves his mouth before he even has the opportunity to stop himself. It wraps around his tongue like it’s meant to be right there. And this time, it’s James’ turn to watch him. His own mouth slightly agape. James looks away quickly, swearing underneath his breath.
“That’s really what it…” Regulus mumbles.
“Come on, let’s teach you how to ski.”
Regulus lets it go almost immediately because his heart does this stupid thing again and if he did hold onto it, James would want to talk about it. And Regulus really doesn’t want to talk about it.
He watches the kids for a little while, distracting himself. Going on and off the ski slope. Only to be caught by the end of it. It’s not big and not particularly steep, just a few rounds to practice. Small rounds, all guided by too many people – a hand touches his arm.
“You don’t have to if you really don’t want to.” James says. “You look scared shitless.”
“That’s because I am.” Regulus admits quietly. “Is there a possibility of both of us going down there.”
James laughs softly, “We’re doing it without ski’s first. Then we’ll go down the ski slope and I’ll be there the whole way, alright?”
Regulus watches him carefully when he basically kneels down to help him get off the ski’s. His eyes never leave James’. It makes him think of their previous conversation, and those nights before, heart beating rapidly in his chest. A different light shines on him right that moment because how the hell could he even be interested in that when Regulus has been nothing but rude to him all his life?
He abandoned the mere thought of being friends the second he took Sirius away from home. And James on his knees now? It slows down time pathetically.
“Okay.” Regulus barely brings out. “Can you—”
“Can I what?” James looks up, dazed, before coming up again.
“Can you make sure I won’t fall off?”
Oh, he curses Sirius and his entire existence for leaving them alone together. Because apparently sharing a bed with James doesn’t make him stupid – this does. Regulus steps out of the skis to stand beside James again.
“I won’t let you fall off anywhere, love. What is it that scares so much?”
“The fact that we’re up so high and I can see everything from here?”
James gives him an approving nod before he marches behind him.
“It’s pretty even here, you won’t go anywhere.” Regulus turns but gets scolded the second he does. “Skiing 101.”
Almost as if on cue, Regulus’ entire body goes stiff when James shifts behind him and puts one hand on his waist to brace himself. With one of his feet, he parts Regulus’ legs so easily, the heat settles in his cheeks, ears and nose. Is he… doing it on purpose?
Is that why Sirius and the others–
“The first thing you want to learn is how to stop or slow down.” With his feet he demonstrates something but Regulus’ head is suddenly in the clouds. He moves Regulus around like a dummy. Somewhere far away he hears him say something about a wedge, but Regulus is too caught up and irritated by the smell of him. Once again a sweet scent of Christmas cookies invades is brain and rearranges everything remotely sane going in there.
“Are you even listening?”
James stands right there in front of him – too close, too close, too – he wonders briefly if going off the hill will be the worst that could happen right now?
Confused and the slightest bit hazy, Regulus looks up to him, watching hazel eyes gazing at him. Watching James watching him with a certain kind of curiosity and innocence in it.
How has Regulus never noticed how pretty he is.With freckles on darker skin, a slight stubble on his chin. Oh, he looks good. Aged. Different.
“Mhm..” Regulus mumbles. “Something about a wedge?”
James looks absolutely in his element, teaching Regulus about that kind of stuff – continuing to be ecstatic about it as he tells him one skiing story after another. When Regulus can only focus on plush, red lips. Obviously staring now. Did he mean it?
He finally snaps back into reality the second James tells him to put the skis back on.
“Are you sure about this?” Regulus suddenly stutters, anxiety clicking back into place. This is how he dies. In Switzerland because his brother abandoned him with his best friend. Honestly? Fuck you, Sirius. “I wasn’t listening – Can you – Can you tell me again?”
James takes Regulus’ hand then, still above the gloves but it makes him feel all flushed nonetheless.
“We’ll go slow, I’m right here, Reg.”
“I don’t know if that’s very comforting.”
Oh, but it is. The way he holds onto Regulus, basically stomping alongside of him and never letting go. It’s comforting and it scares him to a point it might break him.
“See? Slow and steady?”
They simply do this for a while. Regulus practices how to stop without James’ hand and without falling flat on his ass. The first time he does it on his own, he breaks out in hilarious laughter,
“Did you see, James! I did it,maybe I’m not hopeless!” He gets so excited, he falls right into his chest. A broad, warm chest while he gets caught in an almost embrace. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, you did great!”
They stare at each other quietly, his heart aches and longs at the very same time. Look at me again, talk to me again, notice me again. Make me the centre of your universe and I’ll make you mine.
When Regulus and Barty broke up, Evan was the first person to soothe him. They talked it through one hundred different ways and they noticed all those times, it won't be working out. Evan was there when he had one breakdown after another. Evan was there when he couldn’t sleep at night because loneliness suddenly haunted him into his deepest nightmares.
So it really comes naturally talking to Evan when he feels the slightest bit of warmth crawling up his spine. When everything starts to smell like honey-sweet biscuits and James’ shampoo. When his heart starts racing at the very sight of—
It’s been three weeks since they have broken up. There is no way he’s already catching feelings for someone else. Especially not James Potter. Right?
After he and Barty broke up, Regulus swore to himself that he didn’t want to get lost in someone like this ever again. Where he offers half his soul only to end up tainted from the very beginning.
To him it was an abstract concept to get to know love like this, knowing he clearly hasn’t even been loved by his own parents. But in the end? All the love that comes to him ends up being toxic nonetheless.
Why would this be any different?
Safe to say, it wasn’t entirely Barty’s fault. Regulus had a big part in it too. And now? Enter James Potter, heartthrob of the Gryffindor tower.
“You have to stop me.” Regulus tells Evan when he enters the kitchen. “No, even better. Stab me.”
”I think you have the wrong guy here. No violence allowed.” He answers, chuckling slightly. “Why anyway?”
How does he even say that he’s getting addicted to the rush of being with James Potter, pathetically so. There are no words to phrase how embarrassed he is all of the sudden for thinking about this. Not even letting alone the fact that James had a wet dream the other day. Possibly about Reg.
”Never leave me alone with James, ever again.”
Evan grins, “Oh, it’s James now?”
Regulus hits his upper arm.
”Not the point right now.” He sighs, jumping up the kitchen counter and turning on the radio. Briefly paranoid that someone will overhear their conversation. “I’m going insane. Slowly losing my mind, Evan.”
Evan sits down at the kitchen table, opposite of him before kicking the door closed.
“That’s not really news. Did you know Marlene and Lily had a thing going on? That’s news.”
Regulus blinks at him. That indeed news. Not that Regulus has still thought that there was anything going on with him and Lily but with that it’s official.As a matter of fact, he didn’t even know Lily was interested in women. Is James interested in men?
“How do you know that? You know what, not important. Back to my issue with James.”
Evan smirks, “Oh, yeah. What is your issue with him?”
Sometimes he wonders if he’s here for a reason because things keep coming. The sharing a room, James sudden interest in him, the dream – he’s weighing everything he does now. The chuckling with Sirius when they decided on rooms? How James always tries way too hard.
“He’s just so infuriating! I went skiing with him and he– he–” Regulus is not finding the right words.
“He’s what?”
He flops back against the kitchen tiles as much as possible.
“He’s just so pretty..” Regulus finally admits. His cheeks flush, his ears burn and his entire body feels numb. Somewhere far far away. Is it allowed to catch feelings this soon after a breakup? It doesn’t feel allowed. Especially when he’s known James for so many years now and all of the sudden there’s this – whatever it is. Evan simply laughs it off, doesn’t seem to take him seriously.
“Finally.” Evan says eventually. Regulus stares at him, more than just confused.
“Finally?”
“Yeah, we’ve all been waiting for you to finally realize that. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer, I guess.” Evan says it so casually, like it’s been crystal clear all this time. It hasn’t. It’s wonderful and creepy and scary. Why is it so scary though? Apparently James does feel the same, otherwise he wouldn’t have said those things or care for that matter.
Does he care?
“To realize that James is pretty?” He asks, unsure, sucking in his lower lip.
“That you like him.”
His body comes to a halt. Pausing for a brief moment. No breath, no thoughts, nothing. He barely even exists. It’s been three weeks since him and Barty broke things off, what does he even mean by that?
“That I like him?” He repeats slowly, like he’s dumb or something.
“Oh, you haven’t realized.”
Regulus shakes his head, “no.” and then much quieter, “I only broke up with Barty the other day.”
When should he have realized this? They’ve been together for a little over a year. A whole year. He feels like he’s getting a fever. James has been constantly in his life, annoyingly so. But not once has he thought about this kind of thing with him. He was too busy arranging how to make it work with Barty than this.
“Yeah, you did.” Evan mumbles. “But – you know what—nevermind. I’m happy you realized he’s pretty now?”
“No, tell me. What is this about?”
“It’s not my place to tell.”
To tell what?
“Do you not think it’s weird that I like someone else after a few weeks?” Regulus asks but Evan only shakes his head.
“Not really. You and James? I think it makes sense.”
It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes – maybe?
Regulus has no idea who exactly brought him in that kind of situation. He also has to admit that he hasn’t seen a mistletoe hanging around anywhere except for now. It glows above his head, body completely frozen in the doorway of the kitchen. James seems equally frozen,
“Ahhh someone fell for it!” Marlene squeals from the living room. “Kiss!!”
“No..” Regulus says slowly before his eyes shift up to James. His hazel eyes have this challenging glint reflecting in them.
“No?” The words play around his mouth so easily while his one hand tugs him by the seam of his hoodie, “It’s just a kiss..”
For a second his heart does a weird thing and before he can do anything but react, James’ lips are on his own. A simple touch of lips, he can hear Marlene whistling in the back. A warm hand comes up to comb through the back of his head and Regulus’ mouth falls prey to James so easily. His tongue slides into his mouth quite easily too — making a mess of Regulus without even trying.
The beat of his heart hammers loudly in his ears as they stand there, kissing, almost… making out? Because Regulus can’t help but kiss him back. The warmth of his lips on his own feels like floating. All his bones go numb with the feel of it. James presses him back with a loud thump and for a moment he can even think he can hear Sirius cursing from somewhere but who cares.
Who cares — when James — oh, wonderful James — kisses him like that?
A gasp slips right into his mouth and gets eaten up by a desperate noise he can’t describe properly. His whole body heats up entirely, grasping the fabric of James’ jumper, pulling and pulling and then he’s falling until James decides to end it all. Regulus falls right into him, chasing his mouth.
“Are you okay?” James asks and his cheeks are flushed.
He blinks, confused, trying to catch his breath somehow.
“O-Okay?” He stammers. “I’m— uh— yeah.”
And then he bolts.
Regulus doesn’t dare to come back to their room that night. He stays with Evan, drowning in his own self-pity.
It takes him all his willpower to head back to their room in the middle of the night only to see James sleeping soundly in their bed. A head of curls snoring slightly as it is buried in Regulus’ pillow. Without his constant blabbering, he almost looks peaceful. Without Regulus here, of course. Maybe this is a bad idea— maybe he should—
Regulus changes quickly into joggers and scoots under the blanket. The mattress dips lightly with his weight and his heart starts hammering wildly in his chest it dares to jump right out.
He watches James for a second from up close, settling on the little space that is left on his own pillow. Long lashes barely visible in the dark, a bit of sweat pearling on his forehead and those dark curls wrapping his handsome face up in just the right way. Even when asleep.
The boy beside him startles awake as if he’s seen a ghost in his dreams,
”Reg?”
“Yeah.”
And then he’s leaning in — not asking — simply pressing his lips against a sleepy James who only hummingly agrees. Because how can he resist James when he is right there? Sharing a bed with him. How can he resist when he now knows the way his lips part and his mouth tastes. How perfectly they fit together.
James’ hand comes up to the back of his neck, not questioning anything, simply kissing back, because James is a simple man.
They remain like this for a little while. A silent push and pull in the darkened room, desperate, wandering hands holding onto this feeling it gives Regulus, breathing in James completely. The second a moan crawls out of his mouth, their tongues glide together in silent agreement. And from that moment on, everything is beyond help.
James slots one leg between his thigh, grasping for his hips to guide him quietly. The only second they break apart for air, because Regulus begins to breathe too harshly and can’t contain the sounds he’s making inside. While James latches straight on to different matters — like his neck, leaving all kinds of marks.
Regulus forgets where he is for a moment, everything blurs together, unable to catch it. The way his hands card through dark locks to pull him closer, to give him more as his hips rut forward in desperate demeanor.
Because somehow, James makes him feel whole and wanted and loved without even trying. It’s delightful and refreshing and oh, how he likes him—
He loses himself in James completely, clutching everywhere he can reach as his high hits and washes through him. Desperately, he tries to hide his face in James’ neck but apparently the other boy is not having it, yanking his head back by a handful of his hair to watch him fall apart on his thigh.
Barely breathing they lay side by side, fingers dancing on naked skin.
“That was—“ James begins, then grins and stops.
”Something I had to get out of my system.”
”Did it help?”
”No.”
Regulus doesn’t hesitate to return the favor.
The next day starts out slowly. He wakes up alone in a cold bed. No running water in their bathroom, no half-naked James getting dressed. Nothing really Regulus lays there for a little while staring up at the ceiling.
The previous night leaves him with a giddy feeling. Unfortunately not even remotely the outcome he has been hoping for. This is nothing more than a crush James will notice soon enough how fucked up Regulus is. How self-absorbed and selfish that he won’t stick for long. Why would we?
Regulus rolls over in bed to get a husk of James’ scent, inhaling deeply. What if he lets himself fall and maybe not regret it? Would James ever come to regret him?
When Regulus finally gets up and ready for the day, he tries not to give it too much thought. He tries not to think of the way James gasped into his mouth. How James watched him as he came and how Regulus returned the favor in the middle of the night. He tries not to think of James’ giddy laugh in the quiet room as he kissed down his throat. He does not. Because that would make him vulnerable and he is not.
He dreads the walk down to the kitchen to get coffee. What if James has already told Sirius about it? They don't have secrets from each other, especially not Regulus.
On his way down he briefly catches Evan’s eye and mumbles a frequent ‘good morning’ like he’s not currently doing his walk of shame. Is it a walk of shame if the sex was really good?
“Good night?” Remus asks with a grin and then his eyes dart downwards to his neck and– oh no.
His hand clutches his skin there on instinct. Yes, James has left marks – he remembers now. The blush on his cheeks comes naturally,
“Don’t say a word.” Regulus utters.
“I’m not but there’s a whole crime scene on your neck.”
He says nothing in return, but Remus, still grinning, doesn’t let it go.
“James?”
And the same time he says ‘yeah’, a head pops out of the kitchen and does the exact same thing.
“Yeah?”
The second James’ eyes lay on him, everything around them comes to a halt. His hazel eyes go wide and he coughs, slowly disappearing into the kitchen again.
“I’m gonna..” Regulus says to Remus, gesturing to the kitchen.
“Sure.”
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Regulus exclaims as he bolts into the kitchen. “My neck, really?”
James looks at him with the wildest fascination. With the innocence of the same discovery he made last night. Of muffled moans and wandering hands. He hands him a cup of coffee, meets his eyes and then the blooming, matching colors on James’ neck.
“You didn’t seem to mind last night.” Their hands touch, eyes locking. Everything stops again and Regulus feels too hot around him. As if he stops thinking altogether. “Can I– Can I kiss you?”
The small nod Regulus gives is enough of an answer. And for a brief second, it brings Regulus to life and his mind to complete and utter peace.
After the kiss everything took a turn on his own. Regulus couldn’t look James in the eye anymore and if he did, he ended up being a stutter-y mess. His cheeks all flushed and ears in the color of crimson. It’s different at night, because then he can work up all his courage in the darkened room. It’s different when he pulls him into a supply closet, or a bathroom. Almost like he’s thirteen years old again and just discovered what love meant.
Whenever James is not staring, he finds himself looking. Mindlessly gazing, because he is ridiculously handsome with his too tight shirts and smell of Christmas cookies. If James Potter was a holiday, he would be Christmas. Oh, he’s stunning – Regulus wants to drown himself.
On New Year's Eve, they somehow end up all up on the floor playing veritaserum truth or dare. Is it stupid? Yes. Do they have a lot of fun regardless? Also yes.
As everything else, it escalated rather quickly. Sirius has to dance half naked in the snow, Marlene admits to the crush she had on Lily. Remus and Sirius get a really sane one, because they have to kiss for one minute straight. When it finally lands on James and he says ‘truth’ after drowning a shot as if it was the most natural thing ever, his stomach aches.
“You did it on purpose.”
James looks at him, irritated. There’s the slightest bit of dizziness in his eyes. Where exactly is Regulus going with this? He doesn’t even know.
“Excuse me?”
“You charmed the name card.”
Suddenly his eyes go wide, he’s staring and staring and someone around them is coughing. Dead silence. As if Regulus just solved a murder mystery and everyone was shocked by the outcome.
“You have no proof of that.” He says, visibly cringing because it is not the answer the veritaserum wanted to give.
Everyone’s attention is on them and after the few days he’s had, no one is surprised anymore. Ever since that kiss, things have been off.
“How did you do that?” Regulus asks.
He can see Sirius in the corner of his eye trying to intervene and probably say something snarky like: “only one question at a time”. No one says anything.
James’ mouth moves on its own accord. Their eyes locked. Regulus thinks about the kiss again and it sends a tingling feeling into the tip of his fingers.
“I put a repelling spell on everyone but you.” He says. There’s a light flush on the high of his cheek bones. Oh, it looks wonderful on him. He does.
“You’re a sap.”
James snorts.
“I prefer the term romantic.”
Of course he would say that. He’s such a romantic and apparently for Regulus as well. He wants to reach out and pull him in again. Kiss him stupid for eternity. Regulus is down bad. People around them start leaving, because now they might have realized this should be a private not a public conversation.
“Shut up,” Regulus takes one step closer and maybe, he imagines it in his absorbed little world but James’ breath hitches. “Why would you do that?”
“Because the second you and Barty broke up, I knew I had to try.” He answers, honestly. Regulus doesn't have to question anything he says. Because under the influence of that he couldn’t lie. For a second he’s not sure if it makes things better or worse.
Hesitantly, James’ hand comes up to touch his arm. Stop, stop, sto—
“And Sirius was okay with that. You coming onto his little brother?”
James visibly flinches.
“Don’t say ‘coming onto you’. I couldn’t miss another chance.”
It’s too earnest that it sends a shiver down his spine. Up until now? They haven’t talked – just did things. Did things like it was nothing. But it was something. To Regulus it meant more than a lot to let himself fall like this. In the back of the room, right in the doorway, he can see Sirius quietly arguing with Remus, unwilling to interrupt their conversation.
“I never even knew you were interested.”
James shrugs, “I have been for quite some time.”
Finally, James’ fingers dart down the sleeve of his shirt to touch his hand. Every single touch with James feels electric. James feels different. It’s ever-lasting warmth surrounding him. James never asks for anything in particular, he only exists at the same time as Regulus and appreciates everything he gets.
“How long?” He dares to ask.
“Three years.”
Regulus’ eyes go wide.
“That was before I started going out with Barty.”
He searches for something in James’ eyes that indicates he’s lying, but he’s not. It’s the whole truth of it.
James, who always wears his heart on his sleeve. James, who’s so warm, he’d always thought it might burn him if he got too close. Interested in him? Romantically? Him? Bright hazel eyes look down at him with scrunched eyebrows. It makes him wanting to reach out and ease the spot between them.
“I know.” James answers, their hands still touching as he tries to will himself out of kissing him.
“You should have told me.”
“Timing wasn’t right.”
“And it is now?”
“Considering what we did the other night, I’d say yes.”
Regulus looks away, slightly ashamed. He must be beet red by now but there it is. The words he needed to hear from James himself, because otherwise he wouldn’t believe a word of it. When they stand close like this, hands touching – James’ fingers get adventurous for a second, exploring his skin slowly.
Suddenly it becomes very hard to breathe or even look at James properly. He’s so close, so close, so close, so–
“You’re so beautiful.” He says it like it’s a secret only he has come to reveal. His heart warms at the sentiment, beating rapidly in his chest. Regulus’ hand twitches, slowly dragging up the fabric of his collar.
Once he allows himself to touch James freely, he won’t be able to stop himself. Once he allows himself to open up, he’ll consume him entirely and ruin him, like he does with everything else.
Regulus turns his head.
“I’m sorry, I–I need some fresh air.”
Running away seems to become his favorite activity when it comes to James.
“I need to talk to you.” Regulus sits down beside his brother, who’s already somewhat drunk. His eyes look dreary and he gets a little too clingy with Remus whenever he’s had too much. “About James.”
He can basically witness how Sirius’ ears perk up like a dog. The music around them drowns out every other conversation. Through the window he can see James and Evan laughing outside while Evan smokes. Although, he didn’t even know they were getting along this well.
“About James?” Sirius raises an eyebrow.
Probably curious because he hasn’t had an opinion other than loathing when it came to James. This must be something he wasn’t really expecting from Regulus. Well, to be fair, catching feelings for James Potter hasn’t really been on his Christmas bucket list either.
“Why is he like that?”
Now he looks properly confused.
“Like what?”
“Playing games without saying anything. You knew, didn’t you?” Regulus needs answers for the itch growing bigger and bigger every single second. “He’s so confusing. First kissing me, doing other things and then— nothing?!”
Sirius sits in front of him, stunned silent for a moment. Either considering to yell at him for how stupid he is or telling what’s actually going on.
“Of course I knew, who do you take me for? James trusts me with his life.” He says after a while. “But have you thought about the fact that he doesn’t want to pressure you since you just got out of a relationship?”
He hasn’t.
“Reggie, let me tell you one thing about James.” He says. “Yes, some things were planned when we came here but he’s been waiting a long time, what’s a little more?”
His heart clenches in response. Not for a second does he want to think about how hard it must be to yearn for someone for years. And yet it fills his heart with joy.
“He’d never pressure you into thinking he needs a relationship right away. He’s selfless like that.”
“Have you never told him to move on?” Regulus sucks in his bottom lip.
“He’s been with Lily, hasn’t he? He tried.” The beating of his heart makes him light-hearted. But the thing with Lily has been years ago. James said three years. Lily was — there’s no way—
“He has— wait, no..”
“He liked you before and had a whole sexuality crisis when you came out. Why is it so hard for you to accept that someone could like you?”
Regulus turns away, not answering. Because someone like James feels safe and he isn’t used to anything safe in his life. Wondering, if he has ever deserved safe.
“But James, really?”
“Yeah, really.”
What Sirius has told him nags his mind like crazy. James not trying to push him? What if he needs the push? Someone who holds on, no matter how often he tries to get away out of own manipulation. And apparently, he has already held on for way too long.
The clock says ten minutes until midnight and he wants to get this out before it dies in the back of his throat.
He interrupts James and Lily who are caught up in what appears to be a funny conversation. She gives him a smile and leaves them rather quickly.
“James?”
“Yes?”
Maybe it’s the way he looks at Regulus that should’ve told him this already. His eyes full of wonder, lazily gazing down at him and they are too close that it sends Regulus’ heart jackrabbiting ahead of them.
“I need a push from time to time.” There. There it is. The clock behind him is ticking almost mockingly. “I can go a long time without talking and saying things I maybe should’ve said earlier. And I need that push sometimes. It’s okay for you to do so.”
Two more minutes.
“Okay?” James says but he doesn’t look like he’s following. He looks too distracted by Regulus’ collarbone peering out of his shirt. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
“Ah.”
His eyes snap up.
One more minute.
Tick-tick-ticking. Oh he despises the clock right now.
“I’ve gotten out of a relationship recently and I know you know that, but—“ He stops himself momentarily. “I… like you.”
It takes one millisecond. James’ eyebrows raise to his hairline as if he didn’t know already. Did he know? They’ve— they’ve fucked— several times. At several places in the entire house.
“You do?”
The countdown starts.
“You actually do?”
Five.
“I mean—“
Four.
“We’ve been doing things—“
Three.
“But I didn’t—“
Two.
“I didn’t know you—“
One.
Regulus yanks him into a kiss. People around them break out in cheers.
“I do.” He says. “You drive me nuts, James. But Merlin, do I like you.”
They kiss again.
“Good.” Kiss. “You’re so lovely.”
The music slowly fades out in the background but they dance with each other, completely intertwined. None of their friends questions it. Nor does Regulus, because whatever this is. The wait is worth it.
“Hey James?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” A silent kiss against the top of his head. “Yes.”